#lovesochi in a Florentine swirl of red and white

A few days ago David Jones tweeted looking for support for Toronto Pride's #lovesochi campaign.  The ask was simple, tweet a picture of your hands making a heart shape and tweet it with the #lovesochi hashtag and a message of support to Russia's LGBTQ community.

For me, it's a no-brainer, and I was happy to tweet.  I have a lot of friends and colleagues who are gay, so I'm privy to some of the issues they've encountered.  I've been privileged to be one of the first, if not the first person someone's come out to, so I've seen and heard the relief when they've not been rejected because of their  preferences.  Really, beyond all of this, to me and a number of others, it's a human rights issue.

I fully admit not everyone shares my view (as is evidenced by Russia's anti-gay propaganda laws, as well as fights for same sex marriages and benefits), so I knew by participating in the campaign, I could open myself up to unkind messages.  Which isn't new: I'm an articulate and informed woman on Social Media, who isn't easily swayed by right-leaning bafflegab.

Would my latest "fan" be more disappointed to find out that he's not man enough for me (or any of my hot women friends…or hot men friends...now that I'm thinking of it, I do have a lot of hot friends), or that I am not a lesbian? Not that I'd tell him: I have enough issues with amorous online sillybillies who are attracted to the fact that I'm an articulate and informed woman on Social Media, who isn't easily swayed by right-leaning bafflegab.

And I know there's a chance by posting this here, I may attract more trolls.  It's a risk I take because not voicing my support is a risk I'm not willing to take.

My hands frame a gorgeous Florentine swirl of red and white, the top layer of a freshly baked tin of Red Velvet Swirl Brownies.  The maroon brownie layer is chocolatey, with the right amount of chew, and unlike many other red velvet cakes, there's little of the telltale bitterness half a bottle of red dye usually leaves. The silky cream cheese topping is a balance between sweet and tart with a hint of cocoa from the dolloped and swirled brownie batter.  Gorgeous, simple and tasty, I followed this Food Network Recipe almost to the letter, but not quite.


Red Velvet Swirl Brownies

Yield 1 20cm x 20cm (8"x8") pan
Tweaked from Sunny Anderson's Red Velvet Swirl Brownies Recipe

Ingredients

Cream Cheese Layer:
250g/8oz/1 brick cream cheese, softened
50g/60ml/0.25c white sugar
1 egg
0.5tsp/2.5ml vanilla

Brownie Layer:
112g/125ml/0.5c butter, melted
200g/250ml/1c dark brown sugar
1tsp/5ml vanilla
25g/60ml/0.25c cocoa powder
pinch salt
1Tbsp/15ml red food colouring
1tsp/5ml red wine vinegar
2 eggs, beaten
110g/185ml/0.75c all purpose flour, sifted

Method

Preheat oven to 180C/350F and butter and paper a 20cm x 20cm (8"x8") tin.

For the cream cheese layer:

Beat together the cream cheese layer ingredients until fluffy. Set aside.

For the brownie layer:

Cream beat together the melted butter with both sugars and vanilla. Beat in the cocoa powder and salt until well blended. Mix in the food colouring and then the food colouring. Stir in the eggs before folding in the flour in two additions.

Pour most of the cocoa batter into the prepared brownie tin (reserving about a third to quarter cup). Smooth the batter.

Pour the cream cheese mixture on top of the brownie layer. Dollop the reserved cocoa batter on top of the cream cheese mixture. With a chopstick, skewer or teaspoon's handle swirl the two batters to create a pretty florentine pattern.

Bake for 30-35 minutes.

Remove to a cooling rack and allow them to cool completely before cutting.

cheers!
jasmine
I'm a quill for hire!

Valentine's Day: Nunneries, sequins and Big Green Eggs

Me: "I think I'll become a nun."

Friend: "You won't like wearing black and white."

Me: "Maybe if it were sequinned."

Real conversation...today...Valentine's Day.

I think the above says it all, and my current romantic predicament.

So here I am, looking for Mr. Right...again. He's elusive and at this moment I'm not sure he actually wants to be found. At least not where I'm looking.

Even though it seems more scammers and married men (who, in my opinion, are just another type of scammer) are on those sites, it also seems as if things haven't changed much since I was last on: same games, different players...mostly.

So instead of my obligatory Valentine's Day foodish offering, I've decided to jot a few crumbs of advice, and a couple of observances to assist my fellow connected lovelorn.

No, this isn't going to be a "what's wrong with men" piece--I'm more than certain both sexes can learn from the below. I'm also certain there's an equal set of points which could be directed to women, but I'll leave that to someone else to write. Regardless, the following is based on real profiles, correspondence and dates.

Online dating, in general:

• The larger your community, the larger the dating pool. A friend of mine put it this way: unless you're in a big city (like Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, etc) you may as well be on a desert island. I won't go that far, but I will say if you limit yourself to a 10km radius, and you aren't in a large metropolitan area, you may not be totally impressed by the sheer number of potential playmates.
• Don't fall for the TV ads. Unfortunately those ads make it sound as your perfect match will be presented to you on a platter, without any effort on your behalf, and all because you spent three-quarters of an hour filling out a questionnaire. Here's a question: if you were given a list of your close friends' likes, dislikes and interests, would they obviously be your close friends? It's the intangible that you can't quite capture in a survey that makes your relationships work. It's the intangible that means you actually need to put in a bit of effort into finding a relationship that works...and put in a bit of effort to keep it working.

Profiles:

• Complete your profile. Really. Is it too much to ask that you provide the bare basics to whatever site you're on?
• Be honest about smoking, drinking and kids. If you leave any of these as "prefer not to say" some of us will assume you're a living Big Green Egg, soak up booze like a ShamWow soaks up spilled pop and you just don't know how many kids you've sired.
• Spellcheck and grammar check your profile. If you bother to read any of the tips and tricks listed on online dating sites, you will notice that your primary school English teacher was bang-on: spelling and grammar count. If you don't know the differences between "there" "their" and "they're," if you think an apostrophe is an early warning beacon that an "s" will appear shortly, or if your profile reads as if it was first written in Italian, Google translated into Hindi, Russian, Swedish and then into English many of us will simply pass you by. You may be a great guy, but if we'd rather gouge out our eyes with rusty grapefruit spoons than read your profile, chances are you'll never get a chance to meet us.
• We'll know if you had someone else write your profile for you. Read the above point on spellchecking and grammar checking. If you've a beautifully written profile, but your emails and IMs read as if they were written by an illiterate half-blind chicken, we'll know something's up.

Photos:

• Have at least one photo posted. As I say in my own profile, I don't judge a book by its cover, but a dust jacket is important. Post as many photos as you feel comfortable, but realise that some people want a photo of your face as well as you at a distance so they can see what your body really looks like. If you don't have a photo posted, many of us will assume you really aren't looking for a relationship, or you're already in one.
• Lose the sunglasses. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul that may or may not be true, but I, for one, like looking at a man's eyes. Besides, you'd only be hiding behind those kewl shades if you were married or in a relationship, right?
• If you do post a photo, make it a recent one. You may think you look as you did in the 80s or 90s, but you don't (unless you've spent a fortune on plastic surgery). Really, you don't. You may be skinnier, chubbier, follically challenged or you may have plugs. You may have gone through a punk phase in the 80s and those green spikes may now be a salt and pepper Caesar cut. However you look now, be proud of yourself and let us be able to pick you out in a crowded room in 2012, not 1992...or in one case 1972.
• Put on a shirt. I really don't know what some of you are trying to prove by displaying your webcam shots of your shirtless torso, but I think you're disproving whatever it is. This is not a comment about flabby bellies, pallid skin or man boobies. It is a comment about TMI.
• To the guy in the not quite fitting Spandex cycling outfit lounging on an office desk: I know you want to let me and everyone else know that you are physically active, do charity bike rides and are generally a fun person. That's not what I and every other woman I sent your way thought. You don't want to know what some of us thought. In fact you don't want to know if someone thought they were your client.

Contact:

• Read our profiles. We're fully aware that many men approach us because of our photos, but it seems a Herculean feat to find one who has read our profile. But really...read what we've written and figure out if what we've written resonates (in a good or bad way) before you contact us. There are reasons why we wrote what we did, including hints as to whether or not you should approach us, including if we're receptive to LDRs or IMs. I'm always most impressed by guys who've read my profile and have then picked out some element and mention and expand upon it when they write to me.
• Please don't channel your inner Joey Tribbiani. If I get another email or IM simply saying "How you/u doin'?" I may scream. In fact, I have. many times.
• It takes a certain amount of bravery to contact someone. Unless you've been harassing me or are obviously a scammer, I will reply to your smile, email or wink, even if it's just to say "thanks, but..." (and yes, I know not all women do). In the same vein, it would be nice if you replied to our notes, even if it's just to say "thanks, but..."
• No means no. Just as in real life, if we've said no, we mean it. Don't keep IMing or emailing us. Don't change your online userid and start bugging us under a different name: we know it's you. It's not endearing, you aren't getting points for persistence. In fact, you're getting blocked.

Have the sense gawd gave a goose:

• Can your lifestyle really handle a relationship? If you're always on call with several call-outs each night, or if you are so regimented so that your schedule is indistinguishable from a three-year-old's or a 93-year-old's, and you aren't willing to compromise so we can go out for dinner, a movie, a concert or a party, don't be surprised if we walk away. And yes, I know this next part will be controversial to some, but I have to say it: Your kids should be your first concern...but if you're regularly cancelling dates, constantly late or leave early because of surprise-to-you child issues, logistically you aren't ready to date. Some of us may have the patience of Job, but when it runs out, it runs out.
• Does our age difference elicit images of parent and child? I'm in that age "sweet spot" and I appear younger than I am. What does this mean? I get hit on by 25 year olds and 78 year olds. Sometimes on the same night. Yay me. I'm not a cougar and I'm not looking for a father (or grandfather) figure. To those at the age extremities I want to say the same thing: "Yes, I want to change nappies...just not yours," but I'm far too polite to do so.
• Respect the fact that we want/don't want/don't know if we want kids. Don't assume you are so great a catch that I'll give up wanting kids just to be in your presence. In fact the mere point that you expect me to give up wanting kids means you are in no way a great catch. The same holds true for women who don't want children and you expect them to change their minds.
• Women have evolved since you last dated; we hope you've evolved since you last dated. More often than not we are disappointed. If you last dated when you were in your 20s and you are now anywhere from your late 30s to your mid 50s (or older), please be aware that many women who are in their late-30s+ no longer want what they did as when they were in their teens and 20s. Some do. Many of us don't.
• Keep your ego in check. Yes, we're all trying to impress one another but think about what you say. If I think community involvement is important, don't try and paint yourself as "a light in the community" by getting vendors to charge your company less for services rendered. In the real world, that's considered "doing your job" and isn't deserving of a humanitarian award.
• This isn't a race. Give us a bit of time to chat before meeting--everyone has a different time frame, but I can usually tell after a week if there's enough of a connection for us to meet. Some women need longer or shorter. If you pout and stamp your feet because I'm not willing to meet you after one email, do I really believe you're interested in a relationship of equals?
• Chemistry is a mutual thing. According to AskMen.com Chemistry is a natural, mutual romantic attraction between two people that results from a mixture of physical and natural, mutual personality-based rapport. Notice how the definition includes the word "mutual" and the phrase "between two people?" Chemistry is not how you react to a photograph: that is your imagination working overtime.
• Make a bit of an effort when we meet. I'm not saying dress in your finest or research the socio-economic history of 17th Century Netherlands because I happen to have a degree in Art History and like Vermeer. Comb out that rat's nest, do something about those potatoes growing from under your nails and wear clean trousers. Chivalry is a plus: offer to pick up the tab (we may insist on splitting it 50-50, but at least offer) and hold the door open for us (no, that isn't chauvinistic, it's polite). Put away your smartphone.
• There's a site that specialises in extramarital affairs. 'Nuff said.

Well, I think that's it for me for this year.

If you're with someone today, find different ways to tell them how much they mean to you every day.

If you're a fellow singleton, and looking for someone special, I hope you find someone lovely who will add joy to your life.

And if you're they guy in the not quite fitting Spandex cycling outfit...really...don't use that photo.

Note: This post has been edited to accommodate other points that should be added to this list.

cheers!

jasmine

I'm a quill for hire!

Happy Valentine's Day!: Red Velvet Marbled Cupcakes

Hearts and flowers. Hearts and flowers. Hearts and flowers.

Bah.

I've never been a fan of Valentines Day. Yes, I wrote and made gaudily frilly, and later bought gaudily frilly cards for my school chums (and in return, I received equally gaudily frilly cards). When there's a man in my life, we mark the day with food, cards and whatever else we feel.


But really, I could do without the day. I've said it before: if you're in a relationship, I think you should spend every day letting the other person know how much you love and like them and how much they mean to you. Nothing cloying--just small things--a cup of tea, a backrub, mending a button, keeping the chocolate within reach and not on the top shelf...not because you "have" to but because you *want* to.

I worked in card and gift stores while I was in school, so as you can imagine, my relative indifference towards the day fully moved over to eyerolling fatigue of pink and red, shiny papers and doilies, hearts and flowers. The number of last minute, panic (and guilt)-strickened faces who queued at the till on the 13th and 14th of February was...incredible. Often they were there out of a sense of duty (she expects it), sometimes to dig themselves out of a hole (will this be good enough) and every once in a while because they were told to (my coworker "reminded" me...).


Don't get me wrong. There were people who planned sometimes weeks in advance and spent 20 minutes weighing the heartfeltness of each message in each card. Some of them were last minute shoppers, but many of them weren't.


I am alone, again, and chances are I'll be at home, watching a DVD, or vacuuming. Heck, I may, in a moment of curiosity, log on to LavaLife to see how much things have changed (or not) since I was on a couple of years ago.


Does this bother me? Not really.


Would I like to have a Mr. Wonderful land on my doorstep and want to discuss the Romantic poets or perhaps the political situation in the Middle East or even the CRTC and its decisions over media ownership and UBB over tea and cakes...well...of course I would. I'm not stupid.


If he gave me some notice, I'd probably make these red velvet marbled cupcakes for that tea. It combines two of my most reliable recipes in a rather striking, if not patriotic, way. Swirls of red and white, perhaps topped with cream cheese or coconut icing.


It's a bit finicky. The red velvet cake pure chemistry with fizzing reactions. The batters' densities and heavinesses couldn't be more different: light an moussey red velvet with a heavier buttermilk. Regardless, it works and they rise together beautifully.



Red Velvet Marbled Cupcakes
Yield 12

Ingredients


for the white batter
65g (0.5c) cake flour
0.5tsp baking powder
0.25tsp baking soda
pinch of salt
55g (0.25c) butter
1Tbsp flavourless oil
65g (0.33c) sugar
1 egg
0.5tsp vanilla
2Tbsp buttermilk


for the red batter:
65g (0.5c) cake flour
0.5tsp baking powder
0.5Tbsp cocoa powder
pinch of salt
60ml (0.25c) buttermilk
1Tbsp red food colouring
25g (2Tbsp) butter, softened
65g (0.33c) brown sugar
1dspn (2tsp) flavourless oil
1 egg
0.25tsp bicarbonate of soda
0.25tsp red wine vinegar

Preheat oven to 375F/190C and line a 12-bowl muffin tin with paper wrappers.

Start with the white batter:

Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside.

Cream together the butter and sugar until light, fluffy and almost pearlescent. Mix in the eggs one at at a time (or as best as you can).

Incorporate half the flour into the batter, scrape down the sides and then continue with the rest of the flour. Mix in the buttermilk.

Divide between the papered bowls.

Now for the red batter:

Sift together flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt.

Mix together buttermilk and food colouring until it is a rather vile but even shade of puce.

Beat butter for a few minutes until creamy. Add brown sugar and cream well. Mix in oil and beat in egg.

Alternate mixing in flour mixture with buttermilk mixture (dry-wet-dry), scraping down the bowl's sides between additions.

Mix together the bicarb and vinegar into a fizzy, volcanic solution and work it quickly into the batter. At this point, the batter will be almost mousse-like in consistently.

Working quickly to so as to not lose the lift, divide between the papered muffin bowls and swirl the two batters together. Bake for 20 minutes or until an inserted skewer comes out clean.


cheers!
jasmine



I'm a quill for hire!

Bordello Red Velvet Cupcakes

I love romance. I love love. I love the giddy excitement that overtakes you body, mind and soul at the prospect of being near that special person.

It's just that I dislike the artifice that surrounds 14 February. I loathe its commercialism and expectations. I sneer at forced restaurant menus and scowl at the gasoline-like price hikes for flowers and chocolates. I avoid storefronts designed by those enamoured with an imagined lovechild produced by Barbara Cartland and any of the Teletubbies.

This year my snarling came earlier than in previous years.

No, it's not because the prospect of being hit by a disabled Norwegian communications satellite is probably greater than the chances of finding a single, erudite, articulate, kind and interesting man who'd want to spend time with me.

A radio advert set off my jeers. Without going into too much detail, the messaging was "Men, (and it was aimed at men) if you have any hopes of making the beast with two backs with your special lady, then get her something for Valentine's day...because if you don't you'll probably never see her naked again."

I'd love to meet the 15 year old boy who came up with that one.

I'd also love to be there when some poor soul who doesn't have the sense gawd gave a goose finds out that no, most women don't want to be treated like one of the gals at Hooker Harvey's.

Good gravy.

When I ventured into my kitchen to bake Valentine's Day treats for my friends, my usual obsession with the tackily mundane became tinged by those women of of the night, turning my little kitchen into a scullery of slightly salacious repute...a bit of a bakery bordello, I suppose.

For many, the colour red is associated with passion and love and, as a result, Valentine's Day. To others it's associated with certain areas of Amsterdam. But to me, a deep, rich brownish-red has always been known as "bordello red." And what better way to celebrate the colour and the connotations than with red velvet cupcakes?

For those of you who haven't had one, all a red velvet cake is is a buttermilk-tangy chocolate cake dyed an almost unnatural shade of red. Some recipes call for beets, but most modern ones use copious amounts of liquid food colouring. I tried making a red velvet cake a few years ago, but I wasn't thrilled with it. It was too dry and not very chocolatey as the dye's flavour overpowered the cake.

After studying a number of recipes, I came up with this one. Like the others it uses buttermilk--essential, I think, for the tang, but I've also read it's acidity helps to redden the cocoa's natural brown; my experiment with yoghurt, although just as tasty, lacked the gaudy visual I yearned for. The combination of oil (well, a mix of oil and butter) and brown sugar keeps the cake moist; the brown sugar also gives it a deeper flavour that's missing from using granulated sugar alone.

It's a rather easy cake to make (and quite honestly the vinegar-bicarb component satisfies my latent mad scientist tendencies) but do not be alarmed by the almost violent plummy-brownish-red the the moussey batter takes on. As it bakes, the colour deepens to a luxurious deep, bordello red.

Bordello Red Velvet Cupcakes
yield 12 cupcakes

125g cake flour
1Tbsp cocoa powder
1tsp baking powder
0.25tsp salt
125ml buttermilk
30ml liquid red food colouring
50g butter, softened
135g brown sugar
2dspn (4tsp) vegetable oil
1tsp vanilla
1 egg
0.5tsp bicarbonate of soda
0.5tsp red wine vinegar

Preheat oven to 170C/350F. Line a 12-bowl muffin tin with papers

Sift together flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt.

Mix together buttermilk and food colouring until it is a rather vile but even shade of puce.

Beat butter for a few minutes until creamy. Add brown sugar and cream well. Mix in oil and vanilla. Beat in egg.

Alternate mixing in flour mixture with buttermilk mixture (dry-wet-dry-wet-dry), scraping down the bowl's sides between additions.

Mix together the bicarb and vinegar into a fizzy, volcanic solution and work it quickly into the batter. At this point, the batter will be almost mousse-like in consistently.

Working quickly to so as to not lose the lift, divide between the papered muffin bowls and bake for 20-25 minutes or until an inserted skewer comes out clean.

Top with cream cheese icing, and whatever gaudy or not-so-gaudy decorations if you wish.

cheers!
jasmine

I'm a quill for hire!